The Day My Earth Stood Still

I've prepared a bit of creative writing to start with.

...

As she came to the last word, on the last page, she stared hard at it. If she could only stare hard enough, perhaps she could absorb the immense feelings of the characters in through her eyes, pushing them through her circulatory system to her heart to keep them there and cherish forever. Its the familiar longing that she can hardly stand at the end of a novel; the longing to enter that world of ink on paper as she conjured it in her mind's eye. Her heart aches. With great joy comes that prospect of great pain, but its that joy that keeps her coming back to fiction relentlessly, like a narcotic.

She held the book tightly to her chest, another attempt to make a lasting connection. The book is closed, now; on the floor. The floor looks cold and distant, out of arm's reach from where she lay on her stomach in the bed staring at it. Sleeping with a book, however, is silly. It doesn't really have feelings, though its difficult to believe after riding the internal roller coaster of those fictitious strangers. Still, its true; they are not real.

...

Fiction novels are beautifully depressing, at least when they're well written. I'm not sure this ever struck me as much as it does now that I've left my family and understand what that longing is when I finish a book. Its how it feels to say goodbye to someone you are close to, maybe even someone you love, not exactly knowing if you'll remember what it feels like to be a part of their lives like you once were.

This past week made me miss everything.

Monday I started my fall semester with my hopes high. As I sat in the atrium of the mathematics department, reading an article halfheartedly, a friend approached that would be taking my toughest course with me: Analysis. She starts talking in her excited, scattered way that I'm sure she's learned from her high school students, and her words disturb me. Something about reading the first chapter and attempting to do the homework in some programming language escapes her lips. My mind races: What was that word? Links? Linx? And what's La Tech? Did I miss an email somehow that told me all this?

No, I had not missed an e-mail, though I began to wish there had been one as we head to class together. This desire doesn't decrease through our first hour of Analysis. The document programming language is LaTeX, though there is an interface called LyX that is more user friendly. We are supposed to submit our first homework on Wednesday in said format, though he will let us use some other typed means to turn in our homework for the first week if need be. Despite feeling a little caught off guard, I has yet to lose my confidence in completing all assignments.

Tuesday I have class in the evening: Research in Learning Mathematics. We had received readings for the first class, weeks in advance, but of course I waited until the last minute to read them. All day of document reading and summary writing and I made it to class a few minutes late (but only because I was waiting at the wrong classroom). The syllabus sounds difficult but doable and I head home to read for Analysis which is due the next day.

I awoke as early as I could muster on Wednesday and headed to school. From the time I arrived until 45 minutes before class I sat at the same table in the atrium. I might have used the bathroom once, but I didn't eat or drink anything. I still didn't get my homework done, or at least I didn't get it typed up to turn in. I was devastated. Class comes and goes and we are sitting in the atrium again reading the next chapter together, slowly working through all the theorems, propositions, and examples to ensure that we can justify their legitimacy to ourselves. It is then that I decide to drop my Tuesday Research class. My fast talking friend and I make a pact to stick it out together and spend every spare second studying.

Thursday is my day to learn this programming language, and though I have struggled through tears since Wednesday afternoon, I try to keep moving forward. I open a LaTeX manual in the computer lab and start to work through it. Lunch rolls around and I decide I will call Alex to come have lunch with me, ensuring that I eat. After lunch, the bomb drops. The fast talking high school teacher has dropped the class. I think I'm losing my mind.

I manage to make it away from my department before bursting into tears. I call my mother, though in hind sight I don't know what I expected her to do. I'm bawling, trying to stay out of the way of the people coming in and out the doors from the second floor catwalk between my building and the adjacent one. A girl I don't recognize stops short when she sees me, but kindly puts her hand on my shoulder as she passes. I wanted to hug her, but tried my best to smile instead.

My mom and I probably talked for a half an hour. She's a saint. No one else I know would stop their world for me like that, regardless of how pointless the phone call was. When reality finally knocks we decide that I need to talk to someone in my department who can actually advise me on the importance of this class to my future. I walk back up to the computer lab, stopping that bathroom to wash my face, and send an e-mail to my friend Ann. By the time my e-mail is complete I have recovered enough to talk to someone face to face, and I head to a past instructor's office. Jeanette has a smile to greet me:

"Oh hi, Kelly, how are you?"
I feel the emotion well back up but muster a fairly calm "Oh, I've been better."
"Well, how can I help you?" asks Jeanette.
"I was hoping you could give me some guidance."
"Oh sure, guidance is something I always have," her kindness is my sign that the world isn't ending anymore.

Jeanette agrees with my mother; I should drop the class. She has a suggestion for what I should do with my time now that I have reduced my schedule to three credits. In fact, I should probably go see her and take care of the final steps to getting my Stats Mentoring on my schedule.

All this to say that last week felt like a month. Thursday felt like one whole week in itself. I'm still not sure if I'm alive or dead, sometimes, but its better than losing my mind entirely.

And now, seeing is how I have not used my time very wisely today, I should get going and finalize my new schedule.

I will make every effort to update you again in a week! 'Til then!